Heaven to hell and maybe back again
by story a day
Summary: Bella had a normal and happy life until the age of 16... Now meet Bella aged 20. A homeless single mother looking for a way to help her dying child. What happens when Bella stumbles across a place that claims to solve her problems. AU no vamps. BxE
1. Disclaimer

I do not own twilight! Lord knows I would love to claim it as mine. However, sadly no-one would believe me. I do own all of the twilight books those are the same right? Anyway either way this is my first and last disclaimer.

This story is mine. No characters are or any references to the twilight world.

Done...


	2. Prologue  The beginning

There were few things I considered hell in my first sixteen years of my life. No, I wasn't most popular or even the most gorgeous girl in school, but I had something. That something was brains. My life wasn't perfect but don't get me wrong it was not to be considered bad by any stretch of the imagination. My dad, Charlie, brought me up with Renee (my mother – only classed as such through genetics) for the first three years of my life.

At the tender age of three my poor excuse of a mother left my dad and I to fend for ourselves. Now my dad isn't the best at taking care of himself never mind a small child, but he was always there and I always knew I was loved. My dad supported us being the chief of police in our tiny town of forks. After Renee left we struggled financially, the monster that I call Renee not only ran away abandoning us but left with most of Charlie's savings including the ones for my future. My father was torn, he loved life in Forks but realised that we would have a better future in a bigger town with more prospects. This led to my dad moving us across country to Phoenix, Arizona. My dad also begun to take a bigger interest in the law, this led Charlie to become a highly sought after DA by the time I was 14.

During our stay in Phoenix my dad realised I was far more advanced than any of the children in my year at school, as such I was mainly an outcast, too smart for the other children who felt insecure due to my intelligence. But I must say now looking back on my younger days I was glad to have been a social outcast, as it brought out my real talent.

In order to get me to socialise more Charlie enrolled me in a ballet class at the time I was 7. At 7 years old even I could see the irony that Charlie would see Ballet as good for me. Note, I was and still am A MAJOR KLUTZ. But now I have to wonder whether Charlie had a sixth sense or something. Just as education came naturally to me so did dancing. As soon as I was on the stage I owned it, the insecurity, the Klutziness and fear disappeared. I became Prima Donna Extraordinaire. My ambition for a good education never faltered, I simply had them both.

At age 13, I was told my ballet would benefit by moving to New York. Charlie, being the amazing father he was, jumped at the chance to make my dream of becoming a professional Ballerina come true. So we moved within the year. Again. By 14 years of age I was enrolled in all different forms of dance. I still managed to graduate at 16 though, as I said I had intelligence and a talent for dancing.

At the age of 16 just when my life was just beginning to take form my life turned to hell. Don't believe it can happen? Follow me then as I retell the story of how I ended up a homeless single mother to a baby boy who is dying.


	3. Sweet Tasting Success: Graduation

**Note: Not proof read as of yet. Hope its not too rough, but enjoy!**

**Bella aged 16 – Graduation – New York**

"_Bella hurry up or you'll be late!_" Charlie shouted up the stairs.

You would think he would just come up it's not that far. Anyway he is right. Oh my god this is a milestone. At the age of sixteen I'm graduating. *squeal* Okay! Okay! I'm maybe graduating and clever but I'm still sixteen give me a break.

"_Bella, come on sweetie, you can't be late for graduation"_. This time Charlie was right by my door.

"_Sweet Jesus! Dad! Don't sneak up on people like that. I'm almost ready I just can't find the outfit I had planned on using." _I was horrified this morning when I woke up to find it had gone. I'm going to end up wearing sweat pants to graduation at this rate.

Somehow at my comment Charlie looked half uncomfortable and have amused. What's that about? Then the expression changed to a mega watt smile.

"_Oh erm Bella? I may know what happened to that outfit." _He smiled sheepishly. He had done something I was not going to be happy about I can tell.

"_Oh dad what did you do?"_ I replied not really sure I wanted to know.

"_Eh... Rosalie was here Bells" _Damn Rosalie Hale, I should have guessed. Rosalie was two years older than me and we had been best friends since I arrived in New York. Even as annoying Rosalie could be with my clothes I loved her like a sister. You know the kind that you can't get rid of too. I love her, but lord is she a pain at times like this.

"_Oh Bells, don't blame the Rose, I kinda... Sorta... Maybe..." _Charlie stuttered; Charlie never stutters.

"_What did you do dad? Just tell me"_ I cut him off before the stuttering could get worse, as Charlie said I am going to be late and haven't got the time.

"_I well... Okay here is the thing I wanted to give you something for graduation. You never ask for anything but your Dancing stuff Kiddo and well you earn most yourself now... Anyway I asked Lily to buy you a dress and Rosalie just dropped it off. They are here to celebrate graduation with you as well as Rosalie."_ I think that may have been the longest sentence my dad has ever said to me. Charlie always does the sweetest things even if he goes about it the wrong way.

"_Well uh here you go Bells, hope you like it." _At that Charlie basically threw a dress box at me and ran.

I opened the box and dare I say it was perfect, but then Lily has always had good style. Lily is Rose's adoptive mother. I was surprised to hear from Charlie that they would be here today. Since we found out Rosalie was to be moving to Alaska for college we have distanced ourselves from each other.

I slipped on the royal blue knee length silk dress. It was perfect. I donned on the ugly graduation gown and slipped down stairs.

Charlie was right. Both of Rosalie's parents were sitting in the living room talking about how fast kids grow up. As soon as my foot hit the bottom step Rosalie ran to hug me.

"_Oh my god! Bella I knew that dress would be gorgeous on you hun. Wow we're graduating. Bella we're graduating oh my god, can you believe it." _She squealed still with me in her grasp. I always loved Rosalie's need to point out the obvious, it was like I wasn't aware graduation day was here. I decided I needed to calm her down even just a little.

"_Oh I know Rosalie, it is so exciting. However let's calm down before you bounce on the stage too early or something". _At my comment all the adults in the room laughed. Rosalie however pouted; I had never imagined Rosalie Hale pouting. Let me tell you it was funny as hell to see tough Rose acting like a... well a school girl.

After everyone has calmed down and taken all their photos we jumped into the two cars we were taking.

* * *

We arrived at the hall half an hour before the process started. The place was buzzing. We were soon dragged into an orderly line based on last names, and believe me the word dragged was no exaggeration in some cases.

Everything passed so quickly from then on. I did my valedictorian speech with little to no difficulty. The next thing I knew I was walking across the stage receiving my diploma. We threw our hats, well everyone else did. I decided with my luck I'd end up on the floor looking for mine.

The next thing we had to do tonight was go to the party Charlie and Lillian Hale had planned for Rosalie and I. Rose being Rose made sure that it was the big bash of the year so everyone was invited. Oh great!

The place our parent's had rented out was packed and decorated to suit a king and queen not a class of high school graduates. Rosalie was happy and I, well I was just happy to tag along.

Rosalie had invited the Youngest Cullen, Emmett, and was currently flirting with him. This would be why I was sitting by myself in a corner avoiding the crowd two hours into the party. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement, when I looked round I found the most shocking green eyes staring back at me from a distance. The boy - or man would be a better term - turned and walked away leaving me stunned and speechless.

At this point I decided this party was over for me.

* * *

The next day I was all packed to leave for Juilliard, the place that would be my home for a few years to come. I said goodbye to Rosalie and her parents first knowing the next person would be difficult to say goodbye to.

My last goodbye was to a teary eyed Charlie Swan. My father knew I wasn't moving far and that we would still see each other every weekend and maybe even during the week if I wasn't busy, but he was still upset. It was understandable really I was his baby girl and I was all he had, he would be lonely on his own after having lived with me.

"_Daddy, I will miss you, but I'm basically around the corner from you. We'll still see each other so much you'll be begging me to go to another college". _I prayed my joke would work and ease tension, but it never. He embraced me and told me good luck and he would miss me.

That was over two weeks ago. So here I sit waiting for my life at college and my dream to begin.

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**Please review if you like this story. I would love to hear your opinions. I won't pressure anymore. Just this once please click the review button.**


	4. Blissful: The Dream Continued

**Note: Not proof read as of yet. Hope its not too rough, but enjoy!**

**Bella aged 17 – At Juilliard – New York – A year past graduation**

Bliss, that's how I would describe the past year. My life at college has been amazing. I love dancing classes and was told that I was the best ballet dancer in freshmen year. This year will be harder as I not only have to dance but I'm taking singing lessons. I figured why not branch out.

The one thing that I'm fearful of is the schedule and room changes. My roommate last year was tolerable however the music she played at all hours of the night was not. God only knows what I will have to put up with this year. I guess I can only hope for the best.

Tomorrow is moving in day so I will get to meet her then. Her name is Stacey, and she is a drama major. I'm hoping not all aspects of her life are the same as her chosen career. It would be nice to gain a real friendship again though, since her departure to Alaska a year ago I have neither seen nor heard from Rosalie. It breaks my heart to think of how close we were and know that we now have no idea of what the other is doing in their life. I only hope Rosalie is happy and safe in her life and enjoying it as much as I am.

Charlie however is a different story to Rosalie. I'm very much still my daddy's girl through and through, my father and I talk at least every two days. More often than not

I am at my dad's house cleaning or making sure my father is eating well. Charlie hasn't changed one bit: he still depends on me. I would never complain though, my father works hard to provide me with the ability to attend Juilliard. Charlie's contributions to my bank account every month ensures I have no need to work. I hate taking money but he insists claiming that if I worked it would affect my dancing: He's right.

As of right now I have everything I've ever wanted and more.

**THE NEXT DAY**

I woke early on Monday morning partly due to excitement but also because of the glorious sunshine streaming in my window at my childhood home. I decided it would be best to get showered and have breakfast since I was moving into my dorm room today. The hot spray from the shower was doing wonders for my nerves about today's events. As I was coming down stairs I smelt food and shockingly enough it didn't smell like it was burning. That was strange enough in itself. I rounded the corner to go into the kitchen cautiously.

"_Bella honey come on I made food, don't just hide around the corner." _I did as my dad said and found the table set with a plate of pancakes and bacon and a glass of orange juice.

"_Dad did you make this?"_ It was a valid question. Charlie only ever managed to burn food and if it wasn't burnt there was still something wrong with it.

"_No Bella someone else made it then decided to give it to us, yes of course I made it."_ Wow sarcastic must Charlie? To his credit the food looked really good.

I decided it would be rude not to at least try it. I sat down with Charlie opposite me at the dinner table and risked my first bite.

"_Wow dad this is amazing. When did you learn to cook?"_ Charlie being Charlie was uncomfortable with the praise. He blushed, now I know where I get it from.

"_Um thanks Bells. I actually have been getting cooking lessons from Sue. You know Sue Clearwater right? She's Harry's wife and Seth and Leah's mom?" _Charlie looked really happy when he spoke of the Clearwater Family.

"_Oh that's great you've been spending time with them. I worry about you when I'm at college." _He was obviously finding new friends and that was great. He maybe wouldn't be so lonely when I'm away.

"_Bells come on who is the adult again? Daughter is too old for her age. Always has been." _Charlie muttered.

I had to laugh. My dad looked like a small child pouting about not getting his own way or being told off.

"_I know you're the boss Daddy always have been. I just care when I'm away that's all. I love you and it's important to me that you're happy." _My dad stood up and gave me a hug. I missed this.

"_I love you too Bells which is why I'm kicking you out again. Come on time to meet your new roommate." _That's my dad never one for emotional talks.

* * *

Two hours later we had arrived at my dorm room. I decided to knock to see if anyone was there yet. Three knocks later I decided it would be safe to unlock the door. I phoned Charlie once I was inside to let him know he could start bring up the boxes.

Two hours later, a lot of coffee and one box left to unpack there was a knock at the door.

"_I'll get the door dad can you carry on with the cupboard please". _Our cupboard in the kitchen was almost off its hinges it was lucky Charlie was around.

I opened the door to find a petite blonde with piercing blue eyes staring back at me.

"_Hi I'm Stacey, I'm assuming your Bella? Wow it's so great to meet you. You're gorgeous. I can tell we'll get along just fine. Gosh I'm so excited aren't you? Oh wait is that your dad behind you. Hi I'm Stacey, Bella's new roommate." _Oh my god did this girl take a breath. Her speech only lasted about a second before she came bounding into the room at full speed. Before I had time to answer her questions or react she gave me the tightest hug known to man.

"Oh hi, yes I'm Bella. It's good to meet you too. Answer to the next question is yes I'm very excited too. Lastly, Stacey this is my dad Charlie Swan." At my reply she nodded her head and let me go. Stacey reached for Charlie to give him a hug. Knowing my dad I thought he would be uncomfortable but he embraced her right back with a smile on his face like he had just greeted his long lost daughter.

"_Hi Charlie, it's so good to meet Bella's dad. Anyway I was wondering since your here and all, would you be able to help me and my mum bring up my stuff from the car?" _Once she had asked the question she pulled out the cutest pout it almost resembled puss in boots from Shrek. How anyone could say no was beyond me, least of all my already hooked father.

"_Hi Hun, of course we'd be glad to help out". _Yup definitely hooked, who could blame him Stacey was adorable.

* * *

"_Guys what do y'all want on your pizza?" _It had just gone 7 o'clock and we were all finished loading. Since it was late and we had missed dinner Stacey decided to phone for pizza. We had all got along so great in the past six hours, even Linda – Stacey's mom – fit right in.

Once our pizza was finished Linda and Charlie left stating it was getting late. We didn't have class so Stacey and I stayed up to talk and watch movies. I decided with Stacey living with me this year would be great.

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**I know I said I wouldn't but I lied. I would love me some reviews. It would make me smile to see your thoughts. Let me know if there is something you would like to know or see in the next few chapters. Things will pick up very soon. Drama will ensure in the next chapter.**


	5. Ending of the dream: Shock

**Note: Not proof read as of yet. Hope its not too rough, but enjoy!**

**This chapter is dedicated to Rachael – Hope this puts a smile on your face!**

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****Bella aged 17 ½ – At Juilliard – New York**

For six months Stacey and I grew to know everything about each other. We bonded so much that people would think we were sisters if not for the obvious physical differences. I learnt that Stacey's dad had left her mother when she was pregnant with her younger brother of three years, he left stating he did want any more kids. Her father died three years after he walked out leaving Stacey, her brother and her mom extremely poor. Stacey told me she never missed her father because he was never around enough for her to really know who he was. Stacey was at Juilliard on a scholarship since she was said to have the potential only seen in Hollywood greats. My 'adoptive sister' said her real dream was to star in the theatre instead of on the big screen, she believed it was a greater challenge to be on stage than the way filming was done in the industry.

My friendship with Stacey was similar to the one I had with Rosalie. We were sisters and with that we done almost everything together. My dad loved Stacey even though it meant I spent less time with him. Charlie thought Stacey was good for me because she brought me out of my shell. Where previous nights in freshman year were spent studying my craft or with Charlie they were now split between parties and studying. Luckily Stacey was never a bad influence; she was as dedicated to her acting as I was to my dancing. Stacey just preferred to be more social than me and since we were as Charlie says 'attached at the hip' I was dragged along on her famous partying nights. Stacey was a complete fashionista who decided that my 'gorgeous body should be worshipped with gorgeous clothes'. Since my 'makeover' I was receiving much more attention, more from the opposite sex.

The one guy who never gave up was Ivan and let me tell you he was gorgeous, persistent but gorgeous. Stacey was always pushing me to date him since I was 'living like a nun', but I was never one for all the attention and believe me Ivan got all the attention – mostly from females. Oh speaking of the devil...

"_Hey Bella you look gorgeous today, Stacey get you again? I know how you hate those heels." _Oh yeah so we're still friends, he's hot, don't judge me.

"_Hey yeah she did get me again, doesn't help that I live with her. She has access to all areas unfortunately mainly my closet. Anyway thank you. What are you up to? You heading to class now?" _God look at him all blue eyes and blonde hair. Ivan hovered over me at about 6ft 2 and I love the height difference even when I'm in heels. Ivan was 20 years old and had the typical bad boy image. He was at Juilliard for singing, he had such diversity that Juilliard loved him so much, he could belt out a rock ballad one second and sing classical the next. See why he was so popular now? Everyone could admire him and want to be him.

"_Yeah, classical music is in 20, I wanted to get there early to try out the new piano. I heard it was amazing. You want to join me on the walk or are you waiting a while?" _He smiled a huge smile and it was blinding but those eyes – there was something behind his eyes that concerned me. I couldn't decide if I was imagining it or not. I quickly shook that thought out of my head. Ivan was lovely to everyone. I had seen Ivan in action as we were in the same classical music class. The same one he was speaking of. Since I had nothing to do in the next twenty I decided I would walk with him.

"_Yeah that's cool lead the way." _With that he tucked my arm under his and led me to class. Along the way he decided to question me on my family...

"_So twenty questions? I'd love to get to know you more, what about your family?" _He looked so much like a little kid at Christmas I couldn't refuse so I explained my messed up family situation to him until we got to class.

"_Oh B I'm so sorry. So your mom just left you both without a word? Have you seen her since?" _I'll give it to the boy her really took an interest in everything I said.

"_Uh yeah but you know she was never a real mom. I saw her once after she left but she just wanted more money, it's always about money with Renee". _I was starting to get upset about it all and I think Ivan noticed because all questions pertaining to my family ceased.

Our classmates were beginning to enter the room now.

"_Um Bella I know that we have had this conversation before and you weren't keen then, but I think that know you've got to know me more you might have changed your mind. So will you give me a chance and give me one date. Just one and if you don't want any more I'll leave you alone I promise. Please one chance." _Another one with the pout, do they teach that here or something?

"_Okay Ivan, one chance, but there are no guarantees okay?" _This date shouldn't be torture for me; at least I can look at him.

'_Thank you B. I promise you won't regret it.' _At that he kissed my cheek and went to sit down as our professor entered.

* * *

Two hours later and our class had ended ten minutes ago. Ivan was one of the first to leave with his phone attached to his ear. He seemed really shocked but was smirking by the news he was receiving. Strange! Oh well. I was strictly instructed to hurry after my last class in time to meet Stacey so she would dress me up for a party tonight.

* * *

An hour later I rushed up to my room and threw the door open only to find Stacey sitting on the couch in tears.

"_Oh my god Stacey what's wrong?_" I went to hug her.

"_B...B...B...Bell...Bella I'm so sorry Bella." _She was working herself up even more. I tried to calm her down in order to understand what happened.

"_Stacey I'm sure everything will be fine. Please just tell me what's wrong. I can't help if I don't know what's wrong."_

"_Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. It's Charlie..." _What Charlie?

"_Stacey tell me now. What about Charlie!" _I was shouting and losing it now. I knew that she didn't deserve my screaming at her but it was my dad. Something had happened to my dad.

"_Bella! Mom just called. Charlie was murdered." _She's wrong Charlie can't be dead he's all I have. The world started to go black.

"_Oh my god Bella!" _Was the last thing I heard.

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**Since I'm just so lovely I will give you at hint as to what happens in the next chapter. The next chapter title is called "Losing the dream, Grief and Relief". If you review you get a little preview. Howz that huh? So you know what to do...**


	6. Anger, Grief and Withdrawl

**Note: Not proof read as of yet. Hope it's not too rough, but enjoy!**

_**Again Rachael it's all yours. Love you hun. Now who's the sap lol.**_

**Bella - Juilliard – New York**

Three weeks. Three painful weeks ago my life changed completely. My dad was murdered in cold blood. Three weeks and I know nothing more on my father's death than I did when it happened. Three weeks and I still haven't been able to bury my father. Three weeks since I realised that the last time I spoke to my father was when I phoned him to tell him I couldn't come home because there was a party Stacey wanted me to go to. Three weeks since I simply died along with Charlie. The only part of my family I had left has gone and left me all alone. The worst thing about it is that I can't lay Charlie to rest in peace; no one will allow it - not the police and not his murderer.

I don't know what to do! I can't grieve properly because I feel like the moment I do someone is going to turn around and tell me they made a mistake. Even though my own heart, body and soul I know that it's true: Charlie's gone and never coming back. Who would murder Charlie? Why would someone murder Charlie? Everyone respected Charlie; the police are telling me it must have been someone who wasn't happy about Charlie's convictions as a DA. I _know_ they are wrong, something about it feels too wrong and close to home. I have no proof though. I have so much anger at everything it feels like I'm going to blow at any second all because the system that Charlie fought for is failing him in his death.

My relationship with everyone around me was becoming volatile. I could barely stand to be in the same room as anyone; especially Stacey. In my heart I know that my drifting relationship with Charlie was not really her fault but my head keeps disagreeing. Every time I see her, I hear Charlie's saddened voice telling me there will be other weekends. There were no other weekends. Stacey tore me away from my father with her partying ways and for that I can't forgive her.

My weeks have been spent in my room, shutting out the world. The only contact I have had was a phone call in the middle of last week from Charlie's lawyer. My dad's last will and testament is ready. I don't want to be there, anything said in the will won't bring Charlie back so why bother? I don't want material things. I have everything from Charlie I need in my heart and in my photo box. My memories are the only thing I need apart from my father back – and he's not coming back. The will is to be read on Thursday which is two days from now. I know Linda – Stacey's mom – is pushing for me to go to the reading of the will. I also believe that at 8 o'clock on Thursday I will have her waking me up to get me in the shower and out of my confinement to go the reading. On Thursday I know I will simply follow her orders because I have no resentment towards Linda, but even more so because she spent more time with Charlie on his last few months on Earth that I ever did. I owe it to Linda and Charlie to go.

* * *

The next day I woke up to knocking on the dorm room's door. I simply ignored it hoping they will go away or Stacey would answer it.

"Bella I know you're in there. It's Ivan honey. I just want to see how you are. I saw Stacey and she told me about the reading tomorrow. I just want you to know I'm here to talk to, okay? Bella please let me in, you're pushing everyone away. Including the person you claimed to be your sister. Stacey loved Charlie too and you know it." His words hurt, even though I knew they were true.

"Bella I'm not leaving until you talk to me, this isn't healthy. Locking yourself away won't bring Charlie back." Why won't he stop! I don't want to listen to him. He doesn't understand. No one does.

"Bella I do understand. Yes you said that out aloud, baby B. Come open the door. I need to tell you something that you need to know about my past." There was silence after that sentence. Ivan knew what he was doing. He knew how it would kill me to not know what he was talking about. He very rarely told me about his past and now he was going to tell me. All I had to do was open the door and let him in, in both senses of the word.

I moved to the door as if it was my death sentence. It was as if the door was the path towards my own personal hell which is ironic considering what has occurred the past three weeks of my life. Once I reached the handle I opened the door to find Ivan sitting on the ground.

"Oh Bella, come here." He pulled me into a hug. It felt uncomfortable; it was the first contact I have had in three weeks. "Bella you look a mess, why don't you get in the shower. I'll make dinner and then we'll talk, okay?" He said it like I had a choice but his actions showed the opposite as he pushed me into the bathroom before he set off into the kitchen. I heard him banging around with pans and decided that it probably was best to clean myself up.

* * *

An hour later we were sat at the table finishing the last of our dinner. The tension was high and neither of us had spoken since he walked in apart from small words here and there like 'pass the salt'. I had nothing to say, I saw no point in anything anymore. Ivan clearly thought there was something to talk about because he had opened and closed his mouth three times already.

Ivan finally started to talk... "Bella when I told you I understand I meant it. When I was fifteen years old my mother and father were murdered in our house when I was asleep upstairs. My younger brother and sister were at my grandparent's house. I blame myself too, I know all the questions. I know you're asking yourself 'what if'. I did it too; what if I had woke up could I have phoned the police in time to save them? Those questions don't solve anything believe me Bella; take it from someone who knows. I thought I was poison and locked myself away for a whole year before someone got me to see a counsellor. It helped, after I had spoke about my anger towards myself I realised I wasn't to blame and after that I managed to grieve properly. Don't get me wrong sometimes I still have those 'What If' thoughts but they don't drag me down anymore. You need to let people in Bella. Talk to Stacey, talk to me or talk to Linda we're all here for you. Anytime you need me you have my number. You phone at any hour, I'll be here and tomorrow if things are too hard for you phone me, okay? Promise me you'll try to live again B, that's what Charlie would want." With that last word Ivan left me to my own thoughts.

I knew Ivan was right. The greatest thing I could do to honour Charlie's memory would be to live my life and make him proud. Tomorrow I would work things out with Stacey and go to the reading of the will.

* * *

On Thursday morning I woke up at 6 o'clock in the morning to glorious sunshine. It seemed the weather was taking note of my mood and matching it. I knew yesterday through the talk I had with Ivan that today would be hard but my main aim was to patch things up with Stacey. I had already lost Rosalie as a 'sister', I knew if I kept blaming Stacey I would lose her too. I also knew that I needed everyone I was close to around me right now. Today would be hard enough without my best friend ignoring me. I must have been in my own world thinking about Stacey and Rosalie for near enough an hour and a half because the next thing I knew I was hearing Stacey making breakfast in the kitchen.

I decided to shower then join her. I grabbed my clothes and towels then headed for the bathroom. The hot water helped to calm the nerves I had towards the talk and the reading of the will. I shampooed my hair and washed my body first, taking time to relax. As I watched the shampoo disappear down the drain I thought about what Ivan said about the 'what if's'. I was constantly thinking about what might have been for the past three weeks; Ivan was right it only left me bitter at myself and the world. I wanted to focus on the positive, of the good times I had with Charlie. I smiled thinking of the first ballet lesson he ever took me to, the one the only one I ever hated.

"_But why daddy! eple will laugh at me, I fall down all da time. You saidid I was a mutz Daddy. You saidid you never seen any kid fall down so mmmuch." My three year old self was whining so much. I was sure Daddy was going to give in._

"_Oh Bell's sweetie it's a klutz; you're a klutz not a mutz. It will be fun for you, this was the type of thing your mother would have done with you and that's why we are here. Believe you me kid, I'm far less happy about all the pink and frills than you are." My daddy did look scared as a little girl ran around in lots of pink. She looked like a little fairy with really dark hair._

I burst out laughing at the memory as I stepped out of the shower. The lesson was horrible and I don't know who hated it more – me or Dad. I fell about 30 times in half an hour and that is no exaggeration. My dad never pushed me to return to lessons until the age of 7, where I learnt to be graceful in dance. Just thinking of those memories make me miss him even more.

I quickly dried and clothed my body; I was freezing since I had let the water run cold. I opened the door to find Stacey placing two plates on the coffee table. She looked up with a sad smile, clearly thinking of the day ahead and the previous weeks I spent blaming her. At that look I knew I needed to apologise.

"Stacey, I'm so sorry. I was upset and in shock. Charlie had just died and I needed someone to blame and you were the closest person at the time..." I began to explain my feelings when Stacey cut me off.

"Bella you don't have to apologise I understand you are grieving. I don't blame you. I can't say I haven't been snapping at everyone around me too lately. I loved Charlie like a father as well. You don't need to apologise to your sister honey. I just want you to talk to me. I'm glad you seem to be opening up more, I was so afraid you were just wasting away in that room. Ivan was my last resort and I thank God it worked. I love you baby B." She held me tight as we both started to cry for the loss of my father. "Today we stick together whether you want me or not, B. I'm here okay? It's not going to be easy but I'll be there and so will my mom. You're not on your own. Now why don't we eat our breakfast before mom picks us up to take us to the house, huh?" I have never been more thankful for Stacey and Linda, they knew I needed them and were there even when I pushed them away.

"Yeah, thank you Stacey. I'm going to wash my face first then I'll sit down to eat. It looks really good; I don't know how much I'll manage though." The feeling in my stomach was not settling and I hadn't eaten properly in weeks.

* * *

One bit of toast and half an hour later. We were just waiting to Linda to pick us up to go to my dad's house for the reading. As there was a knock at the door everything became just a little more real. In just under twenty minutes I was going to be at the last place I ever saw my dad alive.

The car journey was painfully quick as we pulled up to the house fifteen minutes later. During the ride we were all silent not knowing what the outcome of today would bring. Up until this point I wasn't thinking about what the effects of going to my childhood home would be. It wasn't Charlie's home anymore and he wasn't going to greet me at the door with a hug and a kiss for his 'favourite little girl'. My dad was gone and never coming back and with that thought I dropped to the ground from the pain of losing my father all over again. I felt arms surround me and I took comfort knowing Stacey and Linda were here for me. Ten minutes later when my crying slowed to a few hiccups we entered the house. The biggest shock of today was who I found sitting on Charlie's favourite recliner.

* * *

**I changed the title because I'm splitting the one chapter into two. It was far too long. Sorry for the cliffy. It just fit all too well with the story. I hope I have done Bella's grief justice. Thankfully I haven't lost a parent and don't know how that feels so it's all how I would imagine some people would react to losing their parent. Bella's life is about to change completely soon so if you want a preview you know what to do.**


	7. AN

It's just another note.

I posted a poll for opinions on what Bella's baby should be called so if you want your say please visit and vote.

Thank you.

And the next chapter will be up by tomorrow if not tonight (my time). Say around 8 hours maybe.


	8. Losing the dream, Grief and Relief: Odd

**Note: Not proof read as of yet. Hope it's not too rough, but enjoy! Also remember its fiction, not real. I know nothing pertaining to any legal systems.**

**Bella - Juilliard – New York**

I looked into the eyes of my only family left and knew I felt nothing but hate for the woman who claimed to be my mother.

"Renee! What the fuck are you doing here? Get out your not wanted or needed. Three weeks, Renee. It's been three weeks since Charlie died and did you come to me then. No but as soon as you think you may just get some money, oh yeah you pop up again. Get out now, this isn't your home, never was." That witch. Of course she was here; whenever money was involved Renee has some ability to love our family again.

"Isabella, I know you're still grieving over your father so I know you don't mean that. You want and need me here. Plus sweetheart I never knew about Charlie's murder until my lawyer told me about the will. Come now, sit please. We have so much catching up to do my darling." She looked so genuine. It was amazing that after all these years she could look like she was telling the truth. Everyone in the room fell for the grieving widow act. I knew different, the eyes were to cold, far too calculating. She could play everyone else but my dad and I knew the score. Charlie would hate to know the bitch was in his house, more so that she was in his favourite chair. However he isn't here to stop it so the duty falls to me.

"Get out Renee. I won't tell you again. I won't have you ruining the memories I have of Charlie in this house. You never cared about either of us. You're all about you. You're a gold digging whore who I want nothing to do with. Now leave before I remove you myself." The bitch had the balls to smirk at me.

"Uh actually Miss Swan, a Mrs Renee Swan is named in the will that's why she has been asked to attend today. I understand this is a difficult time for everyone but could we all calm down and head to the dining room please?" Charlie's lawyer at least looked uncomfortable to be stepping in-between Renee and I.

Stacey decided to make her presence know then. "Bella he's right, let's just listen to what Charlie wanted please. We can leave straight after. You don't have to look at the scum again. Please Bella for Dad."

"Okay fine but as soon as the reading is over, she's out of this house." I reluctantly agreed.

Renee smirked again. She knew she got her way. What she didn't know was after the reading I was taking every last penny she thought she was owed. She deserved nothing, what did she deserve Charlie's money for; for being a good wife all these years? I still never understood why Charlie never divorced her. Maybe to stop her from gaining half in the divorce settlement, my dad had a reason anyway, I trust in that.

"Miss Swan, to the dining room please." The lawyer spoke up again. I was beginning to hate him too.

"The last will and testament Mr Charles Swan had written was sixteen years ago, therefore any assets that are not included will be given to the main beneficiary listed in the will. Is that agreed?"

"Wait, sixteen years ago? So before the scum of the Earth left us and took all Charlie's money? No we're not agreed! She should have nothing. She deserves nothing. That bitch left my father and me to rot without a care in the world. Whilst she was off spending all the money we had. Do you know how hard those years were and now that Charlie has money again you come round acting like the grieving widow! No fuck you! You are getting nothing!" My voice was getting progressively louder. I could barely see straight through the tears. She was poison. She infected everything and everyone around her.

"Miss Swan if you cannot calm down I will have to remove you from the room. I think it's best if we take a break before continuing proceedings don't you?" The nasty ass, dodgy lawyer said.

This time it was Linda who stepped in. "Yes thank you sir. Bella honey, come with me. We'll get some fresh air and talk for a minute." She pulled me from the chair and into her embrace as she walked me out the back door. "Bella I know this is hard my darling but you can't let her get to you. If anything isn't kosher with this will we can contest it and baby B believe me I will help you fight it. We need to find out what is in the will first before we do anything. Come on we can't let Renee win. Bella breathe. You need to calm down; you're in too much grief to worry about her intentions right now."

"I know but I'm scared Linda. What if she is back for good? I'm not eighteen yet what happens when she decides we wants to be a 'real mother'? If any of Charlie's things are given to me, which let's face it is very unlikely, she will fight to have me under her hand. She won't stop until she has ruined everything in my life to get that money. It was written sixteen years ago, Linda, when we still thought she was the perfect mother and wife. Charlie had no idea of what was going to happen. She walked out without any sign that anything was wrong. My dad loved her; he would have given her the world back then. She has it all I can feel it and I'm pretty sure she knows it too now. She is sitting there with this huge smirk on her face because she knows she's won. Sixteen years ago, what was my dad thinking? I don't know how much more I can handle Linda; I'm so close to breaking point." My voice was getting quieter in each sentence. I knew one more thing and I wouldn't resurface. My dad was dead, my devil mother was back to torture me and it was highly likely that I have nothing to my name.

"Come here my sweet girl." She pulled me into a tight hug with Stacey too. "You have us - Stacey and I are here for you no matter what. We can and will fight this Bella. I don't know what your dad was thinking. I can't imagine with all the experience he has he wouldn't update his will. It doesn't make sense - I agree - but we are in this together okay? A team."

"Come on Bella, why don't we find out what we are up against? You know the whole saying 'better the devil you know'? This is that moment. Let's hear what the lawyer has to say about this will. It may not come to anything, Charlie was a smart man. We have to trust that he had a reason not to change it." Stacey was always the optimist. She was however right, this was happening whether I wanted it to or not.

We walked in the door to find Renee and the lawyer in a heated discussion. As soon as they knew we were in the room all talk ceased. Something about this was all wrong.

The three of us sat back down at the Charlie's dining room table. Whatever was in the will would be the turning point in my life – good or bad.

"Glad you could join us again. I assume you have had time to calm down. I don't want to have to do this again, Miss Swan. As we were saying before are we in agreement about the sole beneficiary gaining the new assets of Charles Swan's possessions?" Knowing I couldn't fight it I nodded and with everyone's acceptance he began again. "Good, that makes things easier. I would like to note that everything in this will cannot be contested. It is stated in the will that he is of sound mind and would like his wishes to be accepted. So without further ado here is Charles Swan's last will and testament...

* * *

"Charles Swan, 134 Amsterdam Avenue New York, District Attorney." The lawyer looked to make sure we were all listening, as if we didn't care about the reading of the will – idiot.

"I Charles Swan being of sound and disposed mind, do hereby make, publish and declare the following to be my last will and testament, revoking all previous wills and codicils made my me.

"I declare that I am married to Renee Leah Swan, to which I have referred to herein as my "Spouse", and that I have one sole child now living whose name and birth date is;

"Bella Marie Swan, March 29th 1993

"All references to "my child" in this will include all of the above-named children and also any child hereafter born or adopted by me.

**I**

"My spouse and I are executing wills at approximately the same time in which each is the primary beneficiary of the other. These wills are not being made because of any contractual agreement between us, and either will may at any time be revoked by either maker at the sole discretion thereof.

**II**

"I appoint Carlisle Cullen as personal representative of my will. If unable or unwilling to act, or continue to act, as executer of my will, I then appoint Philip Carter (Lawyer) as person representative of my will.

"No bond or other security of any kind shall be required of any personal representative appointed in this will.

"My personal representative whether original, substitute or successor shall hereafter also be referred to as my "executor".

**III**

"I direct that my executor pay all of my funeral expenses, all state and federal estate, inheritance and succession taxes, administration costs and all of my debts subject to statute of limitations, except mortgage notes secured by real estate, as soon as practical.

**IV**

"I give, devise and bequeath $100,000 to the Charity; Last Hope. All the rest, residue and remainder of my estate, of whatever kind and character, and wherever located, to my spouse, provided that my spouse survives me.

"I make no provision of my child, knowing that, as their parent, my spouse will continue to be mindful of their needs and requirements.

V

"If my spouse does not survive me, then I give, devise and bequeath all of the rest, residue and remainder of my estate, of whatever kind and character, and wherever located, to my child, and any surviving children I may not know about.

"My executor shall have the following additional powers with respect to my estate, to be exercised from time to time at my executor's discretion without further license or order of any court... This does not concern you of course so I will skip it."

VII

"If any person, whether or not related to me by blood or in any way, shall attempt, either directly or indirectly, to set aside the probate of my will or oppose any of the provisions hereof, and such person shall establish a right to any portion of my estate, then I give and bequeath the sum of one hundred dollars ($100.00), only that, and no further interest whatever in my estate to such person.

"Again the end is not of consequence to you as I am executor.

"That is the wishes of a Charles Swan"

* * *

"Who is Carlisle Cullen and why is he not here? Also 100,000 dollars to a charity?" Renee asked in a tone I knew all too well. Renee wasn't happy; she clearly never got her way. It's surprising since the money grabbing whore took everything she possibly could from me and my dad.

"Does it matter you slut? What you going to sleep with him too in order to gain more money? Sounds like a Renee thing to do, doesn't it? I wonder how much money you'll give me _'mother'. _I somehow don't think I'll get a penny of that money. You got your wish, you have destroyed every single last thing in our lives you could. I hope you burn in hell. I also hope to God that this Carlisle is a smart man because no one deserves to have you in their lives. I've heard enough, I can't stand to even be in the same room as you, I'm leaving." I knew it. I knew this wasn't going to end well. Now I have no money to my name, not even a penny. I will never see a glimpse of the money Renee now has. All the money Charlie put into my account each month for college in order for me not to have to work and the...

"Oh shit, no! No! No! God no!" I dropped to the ground as the realisation hit me. I have no home, I have no funds for college and no college means no dorm room. I'm homeless! Renee has taken away every single last thing that held me together. In a few short months my tuition money will run out and I'll be kicked out with nowhere to go. "FUCK!"

"Bella, Bella, What? What's wrong? We can fix this I promise we'll do something." Stacey looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She crouched down to my level to see my face. I knew when she had found the utter desperate look I was giving her. She and I looked at each other. She knew. She figured it out. "Oh fuck your college funds! Bella oh my God! We have to fix this, there has to be something. I won't let her get away with giving you nothing. We can fight this; MOM!" She screamed in desperation. Even through the pain and fear I felt an immense amount of love for her. She was trying even when I had given up. I had no energy to fight, not anymore; Renee had won the same way she always does.

"Stacey what..." She trailed off when she noticed us both clutching each other on the ground. "Oh no what is it? Bella... Stacey ... Tell me what's wrong please. I know it didn't go well in there but Renee won't leave you without money. Surely she won't, it isn't not a mother's way. She has to care what happens to you." Now I know where Stacey gets her optimism from. Linda didn't get it so Stacey began to tell her.

"Mom, Renee walked out on Bella and Charlie when she was three years old. She didn't just abandon Bella at home when Charlie was at work, she stole all their money. Every penny she could she took. She left them broke. Mom not only that... Charlie put money into an account each month for Bella's tuition fees and extra for her to look after herself with. Mom, Bella will be kicked out once those funds dry up. She only has enough to last her a month maybe two. Juilliard won't keep her without money and if she is kicked out of Juilliard she's kicked out of the dorms. Mom, Bella will be homeless..." Stacey broke down into tears again whereas I had never stopped. I looked up at Linda to find her in shock. Linda never realised how bad it was for me now.

My dad is gone, my dream is gone and so is my life.

"Linda..." My voiced cracked more than once. "I can't fight the will. It could take years and I would never win against her. Renee has this way of making everyone believe her; she always wins. I will be out of dorms within three months without a doubt. They won't allow someone who has no home contest the will against Renee. I can't afford the fees to pay for a lawyer to contest it. It's over! My life is over. I have no home, no money and no job. I can't get a job without a home. I'm screwed!" I broke down again. I really had given everything I could. For the last three weeks was nothing on this; I had lost everything.

* * *

A month went by with me locked in my room. Occasionally I allowed Stacey to join me and feed me but I didn't want her to be poisoned by me; I was toxic.

The door to my room opened, I allowed it thinking it was Stacey. Needless to say I was shocked to see Ivan standing at the door. He strolled over to my bed where I lay without a word.

"Bella" he paused clearly thinking of what to say first. "Stacey told me what happened. I told you that you could phone me and I would be here. Why didn't you phone me, I deserved to know what was going on." He deserved to know? I was too weak to question it and he continued on quickly anyway. "Your mine, I mean you're my friend, and I will look after you. You have a place to stay Sweetheart. You know I don't live in the dorms; I have my own apartment so you'll come live with me. I know your independent but you don't have a choice anymore Bella. It's time to let go of what you think you need and let someone look after you. I'll make sure you have everything you deserve Bella." It was there again in his eyes - that look. I have seen that look but I knew I had no other choice. My grief was turning me into a mad woman, Ivan wasn't a bad person - I know.

"Okay, I guess I don't have much choice – you're right. I would love to live with you until I'm back to my old self again. Thank you Ivan." He smiled a huge smile like he had won the lottery.

"Brilliant, why wait huh? Let me get you packed. You shower and I'll have everything loaded in the car to move. You're going to be kicked out tomorrow right? Well now is the perfect time to move. Come on." I again didn't have the strength to tell him I'll pack on my own. He was doing something good and who was I to refuse if he wanted to pack?

"Sure" was my small agreement.

* * *

So that is how I ended up in Ivan's living room with him sleeping beside me. There were so many mixed emotions inside of me; grieve, anger, fear and mostly now I felt relief. I now had a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in and even more so food to eat. I owed my life to Ivan.

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**Poor Bella! I know I'm a sick and twisted person. Please note that I have no idea about any legal proceedings including UK and US, so please don't hate if something is wrong. Also I know Bella's birthday has been changed but it had to be to work with the story. Hope you enjoyed it and if you did please review. Sorry to those who reviewed, I know I promised a preview but since it was done quickly I just decided to post hope you aren't mad at me ****. Love ya. Thanks to everyone who has added me as a fav story or fav author and those who have me on alert. It makes me happy!**


	9. Need Somebody: The Great Change

**Information in a/n at bottom please read.**

**Please, Please, Please note this is rated M for a reason. It hasn't been bad apart from some questionable language but after this chapter things will get horrific pretty quickly. Bella is going to get a rough ride; including all types of abuse. I would strongly advise anyone under 16 - at least - not to read. My idea would be if you would hide what your reading when a parent walked it you shouldn't read it. I have a sick mind at times and that will probably show. Okay, if you still want to read it I can't stop you so at least don't have nightmares etc. Again it's still rough. But please enjoy!**

**Bella 18 – Ivan's apartment – 2 months after leaving Juilliard**

Living with Ivan has been strange because the only man I have ever lived with was my dad. I still miss Charlie every day. I can't help but believe that I will never feel like the same person I once was when my father was alive. 4 months has come and gone since my father was murdered; the murderer still walks free and it pains me so much to think this person can go on living their lives like nothing has changed when my life has changed so rapidly. Ivan was my last resort and is currently my sanctuary. He is the perfect roommate; he is clean, he leaves me to escape into own mind and he has saved me from a life on the streets.

It hadn't shocked me to find that after the reading of the will Renee skipped town. The will stated that Renee should provide for me, again I'm not surprised to find I have no money in the account Charlie set up. If it had not been for Ivan I highly doubt I would be alive today, the man is a saint. He puts up with so much all he asks of me is to go out with him every two weeks for date night. That's right people – It is official, I'm dating Ivan. Why he would want to date an emotional withdrawn suicidal poor girl I have no idea, but he does. I hate how my life has turned out - only four months ago were my dreams a reality. I was on path for a great life adventure and now I'm an ex-independent woman depending on her boyfriend of one month. I was reluctant to start a relationship with Ivan, my life was a mess – I was a mess. I didn't want to drag anyone down to my level but the man that Ivan is wouldn't give up so eventually he got me to date him. On some level I knew I still wasn't ready to date but how can I say no to a man who takes care of me without any of my contributions? I felt pressured to go on the first date, but as the date progressed I found that he really was trying to help me.

Feelings - one area of my life that has been affected the most by Charlie's death. I don't know how to feel anymore. During the day all I do is sit or sleep. I haven't got the energy to do anything more. Any other time is taken up by Ivan and his – and I quote – 'need to be around me' because of this I see very little of Stacey and I haven't seen Linda since I moved in. I miss them so much but Ivan has assured me that I need time away from them in order to relive my memories of Charlie without them. He told me that the relationship I have with them will only last for a short time whilst he would still be around and be the one to provide for me. Ivan questioned the 'sisterly' bond Stacey and I have, he asked me about it late one night...

"_Bella, whilst we're on topic here. If Stacey and Linda are so like family and are the closest you have, why did they not help give you a roof over your head. I don't think they feel as strongly towards you as you do them baby. I'm sorry if that upsets you but I am here for you always. You're my baby B just like Charlie was a provider I will do the same."_

Since that time he has encouraged me to limit my time around them both, of course he was right why couldn't I have stayed with Linda? That question was in my head constantly now, all the spare time I had was becoming a hate filled occasion towards my 'family'. It seems like every single time I form a family-like bond, they crush me – Linda and Stacey are just like Renee – in just five weeks I had decided Ivan was right. The only people I could trust were Charlie and Ivan and now that Charlie is gone Ivan is my sole hope.

* * *

Lately I have been made aware that my contemplating or 'stewing' (as Ivan calls it) in the apartment has been irritating him to no end. I know I'm suffering from more than grief and I wish I could come out of the depression bubble I have surrounded myself in but nothing helps. It is an endless challenge just to wake up each and every morning. It was more than losing a father - It was losing my life. When Ivan is at school, I sit and contemplate each way in which I could make it all end. The endless visions that all conclude with my lifeless body consistently swirl round my mind; the knife slicing through my thin skin and veins, the vibrant red blood seeping from the cut captivates me. It would be slow and painful. The first vision barely has enough power to hold my attention before the next one starts; the water, the bath tub, the chilling feeling of the cold water upon my skin. Then the next scene plays out; the rope, the tree and ultimately my demise. The visions are alarmingly peaceful, only one of the visions had I ever carried out. It happened the week after I moved into the apartment; Ivan had left me for the first time to attend school. His dream hadn't ended, it wasn't fair I told myself, then I remembered who took care of me; I remembered who I was a burden to. It was the final straw – you know the one that broke the camel's back, well I was/am said Camel – I broke. The best way I knew how to deal with it was from my visions; the false memory of calm and peacefulness was all too appealing compared to the world I was living in so I re-enacted the first of my visions.

Ivan had come home ten minutes after I had taken the last swipe; I was so close. Ivan had barely left me for a solid two weeks after; he even went so far as to take a break from school. I owe him my life in more than one way. I'm indebted to him completely. Ivan had told me once he was back at school that Stacey had been informed of my suicide attempt; she never called. This piece of information solidified all the times Ivan said she didn't care. Her comforting me was just for show at the time of Charlie's death. Ivan believed that because Charlie had money they probably believed that they would receive some money from him or me – It made sense Stacey and Linda never denied their poverty. They also left once I was declared poor and homeless. That is the reason Ivan has become the only person whom I can trust and depend.

* * *

"Bella! Did you go out today?" Ivan shouted as he closed the apartment door. He had been at school from eight o'clock this morning; it was now five.

"Um yeah I went to get groceries from the store since there was nothing left for when you came home. I just took the money from the jar okay?" He appeared at the living room door with a livid expression on his face. The expression made me more terrified than I had been in all 18 years of my life put together. Ivan suddenly picked up the vase nearest the table and smashed it against the closest wall to me. I screamed and ducked just in time.

"Does it look like it's alright, idiot? I do everything for you. You broke three of my rules moron. One was leaving the apartment without my permission, you belong to me Bella, haven't I made that clear. I'm your master I say when, where and how." I was trembling as he was screaming at me, my weak state couldn't see where this man had come from; it was so unlike Ivan. "Two you stole money, my money. The money that you the money grabbing whore has on hand 24/7. What do I not give you enough, I should make you work for the money but do I, no why Bella? Because I love you, if I didn't you would be earning your keep just like the other whores. The third rule slut was talking to that boy from school. He was quite happy to inform me of the way you were whoring yourself out to him. If I wanted you to be a prostitute you would be one believe me, but you're not for sale or for sharing. Understand baby B?" He pulled my face close to his and shoved his tongue down my throat; this was not the Ivan I knew. There was no comfort in his arms anymore, no relief and it was clear he had flipped a switch. This was Mr Hyde; Dr Jekyll was gone. How could have I lasted this long living with him and not knowing this side. "I'll leave you to think about what you have done, but let me give you an incentive." With that sentence he smacked me head off the wall with a large thud I collapsed into a heap on the floor. After a minute the world turned dark and the last sound I heard was a door slamming in the distance.

* * *

I woke up on my bed in the dark. My head was throbbing; I noticed a light streaming onto two pills and a glass of water sitting on the bedside table. As I reached for them a hand shot out to grab them. I jumped and screamed.

"Now now Bella. That's not the kind of reaction women have to their fiancé is it? Here baby take these and you'll feel better. I'm sorry about before I had a bad day and the guy from the grocery store was goading me. You should do as you're told; the list is to be followed to a T baby. I printed out a copy, it's under the glass. You should study up on it, now you have had enough time to think about your actions I want an apology." He looked at me with eyes that were so sincere that I knew I had to apologise. He was right it was my entire fault, he does so much for me and I do nothing but disappoint him. He was a man stressed; it was simply the pressure I was putting on him that caused him to crack.

"Ivan I'm so sorry, I'll be better I promise. I didn't mean it. Were you serious about the fiancé thing? I mean you really want to marry me after everything I have done?" I was so upset I had disappointed him I was sure he wouldn't want to marry someone like me.

"Bella, I agree you have been a disappointment since your father died. I had given you months to recover that was plenty, your here to service me not sit in my apartment and cry all day. From now on you get no leeway. I am still considering marrying you; you are the best I have had. Perfection is what you'll become eventually. If you try really hard to please me I will definitely marry you." He looked at me so sweetly I almost broke. I had to make him proud, he was my saviour and he was right I had neglected his needs over my own. My attitude and actions have been far from the perfect wife Ivan deserves.

From now on I will be the best Ivan could have.

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**It's sick I know, but it happens and too often. Some of you are probably wondering what the hell Bella is thinking but that's exactly it – she's not. She is still grieving, suffering from depression and remember Ivan had taken advantage of a weak Bella and made her hate the few people she was close to. Furthermore he provided for her when no one else did, she feels obligated and feels she is at fault for his behaviour. Hopefully the relationship between the two will become clearer to you in the next few chapters. As always please review, I'm slightly disheartened by the lack of them. Also I have an idea for a new story it's called The Seasons. I'm not saying much about it until I've started it but I'm focusing on this one first and foremost but I'm back at uni so updates won't be as quick as they were. You'll still get at least once a week up until Christmas.**

**Oh and somewhere over the rainbow will be started shortly, I'm working on it with a friend and it's just finding the time to get together.**


	10. Living with hell: Why do I do this to hi

**I am so, so sorry readers. I may not have a huge following but I know that some people will be pissed that I haven't updated in a very long time. I do have a valid excuse though, I have a condition where I get severe pain in my joints and I have been signed off my work and everything it's so bad. Normally it's bearable but for the last 2 months I have been in agony. I have fibro and hyper mobility if anyone cares to know what I have. I suffer with dislocations frequently and I ended up with nerve damage in my arm because of it. Anyway I know it still sucks that I haven't updated. I promised myself I wouldn't make anyone wait for chapters, but alas I have and I apologise. So I ask that you all bear with me, because my wrists are still f**ked and I have very little motivation when I get this bad. ****Maybe a few reviews would help? Lol I'm bad I know I am, but it would be nice, if you take time to read please take time to write a review. Good, bad, ugly or indifferent – it's still appreciated.**** Uni work is suffering too! Anyway before this turns into a poor me piece (think it already has: oops) – I present to you the next chapter...**

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**Chapter 10 – Living with hell: Why do I do this to him?**

**Bella aged 19 and a ¾ - Ivan's flat. It has been a year and a half since last chapter.**

I never believed I would be a woman who would stick around in a relationship with a man who was violent. You know when you hear awful things about how a wife has stayed with an abuse husband and ended up dead? Well what were your reactions to those stories? I'd like to suffer a guess and say it was exactly the same as me, you thought I would never live like that? At the first sign of a slap, punch or kick I would walk? I now understand the sentiment 'you never know what you'd do until it happens to you'.

When I was younger I prided myself on the fight and fiery instinct I had; when someone pushed I pushed back. Tit for tat my dad called it. My dad always taught me to stick up for myself. I never in a million years thought I would be where I am today. At first it was just little things my brain told me – the mental abuse. Berating me whenever he could, believe me I now know that mental abuse is no small thing. The mental abuse is probably worse than the physical – you can recover from a broken leg and such. The first time he hit me I couldn't believe he had done it. Ivan was never violent; I knew it was my fault. I had to have caused the change - there was no way a man as amazing, kind and patient as Ivan would snap for no reason. I was to blame completely for my fiancé's change. He loved me and I never showed him the same affection or worth – what man wouldn't snap?

Ivan took me in when I had nowhere to go and no-one to love me. My 'family' abandoned me, threw me out on the streets basically to defend myself. No it wasn't Stacey or her mum's duty to provide for me but it wasn't Ivan's either – he still took me in and showed me love. Ivan is never 'always violent'; he only gets that way when I have done something wrong or bad. He hates me talking to anyone without him there, but especially men – I know this so why do I always get myself into a situation where men are? I deserve my punishments for my stupidity alone. See what I mean by it's my fault? No one can blame Ivan for how he reacts when I go behind his back; he's right to punish me for my behaviour. After the 6th time I disobeyed his rules he made it so I couldn't leave the house or answer the door to anyone. He was right – his house, his rules, and the rule was for me to never leave. I was okay with that. As long as I never did anything to upset Ivan we were happier than a couple on honeymoon. Today though I knew I was in for a massive blow out – I had fallen asleep watching TV and Ivan was due home any minute. One condition of my stay and the marriage proposal was to do all household duties and his diner wasn't ready.

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"Bella baby I'm home!" Ivan called from the front door. I ran across to greet him; another duty was to help him when he got home from work or college. I grabbed his bag and books after taking his jacket and greeted him with a small peck on the lips. I knew I needed to tell him I had fallen asleep and hadn't got diner ready but I didn't want the disappointment. I knew he didn't like punishing me, but how else would I learn he told me and he was right.

"Ivan I am so, so sorry. I messed up and fell asleep watching TV and I just woke up before you came in the door. What I mean is I never started diner. I am so sorry I know what you have to do." I kneeled down at his feet, he required this as he felt an apology was more sincere this way.

"Bella! Get up my baby." I looked up at him in confusion and shock – this was different, but obey I did. I stood up to reach the hand he gave me; he continued...

"Bella my pet, we are having company soon so no need to worry about that. Just make sure you get yourself looking amazing. You have an hour before my friends arrive and I want them all to appreciate what I have and want it. You my precious are worth so much to me without the shading of bruises I should give you. I'm sure you'll make it up to me. I'll find a way you can gorgeous." He grabbed my face after his speak and liked it from jaw to hairline. I knew he was suffering - I had never given him the pleasure he deserved. Ivan wanted sex, I knew he did but he was perfect and waited until I was ready.

I rushed to the bathroom to get ready quickly but made sure that I would not disappoint my Ivan – this seemed important to him. As I stepped downstairs I could hear Ivan muttering into the phone, curses were the most noticeable among the words spoken. 'Please whoever you are don't make him mad' I prayed. He claimed 'he hadn't had this go yet' he was going to say more but stopped as I stepped into the room. He told the person on the other end of the phone he had to go and hung up straight away to admire me.

"Isabella mmm... my pet you look good enough to eat. My men will thoroughly enjoy meeting you tonight I am sure. The way you are tonight will make me the envy of them all tonight. Good girl. Come here my dear." He spoke with such lust, affection and authority in his voice that made me remember exactly why I fell in love with him. "You could make so much money just showing this body". His comment seemed strange but I didn't argue with him, I simply smiled and nodded in acceptance.

The door bell rang loud and clear as he finished kissing me. Ivan gestured for me to open and greet our guests. Behind it were ten men in business looking suits. Must be an important event I thought as I led them in. Late I would realise I made one more mistake in the road to hell.

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**A/N**

**Hey hey peps. Please review if you can – I hate the fact I am resorting to begging for a little pick me up. Next chapter is a pretty gory one. If anyone is against reading anything with physical, mental or sexual abuse either stop reading now or pm me and I will give you a different angle to the chapter with these elements out of it.**

**I am seriously hoping you will never have to wait so long for a chapter again. It is currently 3 o'clock in Scotland, and I am finishing the next chapter hopefully by tonight. But i have so much on my plate you may have to wait until sat night. But I do promise you will get it then, and if not you are welcome to bring pitchforks and what not. Can't wait to hear what you think. Also can't wait to get Edward and the rest of the Cullen family introduced – just a few more chapters now to wait. Yay! Oh and an Edward and Bella preview if you review. A paragraph is what you'll get!**


	11. Sleeping with the Devil: Part 1

**Hey folks, again I feel like crap so I'm just giving half of the planned chapter today. I had planned to give you the whole thing but I just don't have the energy to type it up. Thank you to my constant reviewer – you know how you are. I will get the paragraph to you as promised by next Friday. I have waited to put the next part out because I really want to do it justice – won't say anymore. Well folks without further ado...**

**Chapter 11 – Part 1: Sleeping with the devil.**

The men who entered were extremely intimidating, the first through the door stared at me as if I were something to eat. As soon as I saw them I felt uncomfortable but now that the 'leader' was invading my personal space I was petrified of the outcome their visit would bring. The worst thing was I couldn't leave or tell Ivan or even show discomfort. No matter what I knew Ivan had my best interests at heart – he loved me that much was shown after Charlie's murder. I snapped back to attention as the rest trailed in behind the first man. I stood stalk still even though my instincts were screaming that I was in danger and needed to run – I ignored them – Ivan always kept me safe, why would he stop now?

I closed the door once they were all in the living room. I heard a massive boom of laughter – See Bella just a few old friends getting together – nothing to fear.

'Stupid girl' the other half of my brain screamed.

'Shut up – Ivan is here and he is the only person in the world to look out of me'. I countered to the pessimistic Bella Swan.

"Bella my pet can you get the boys a round of beers? Thanks". Ivan scowled – not waiting for a response he went back to the conversion he was having.

'Listen Bella!' the other half of me pleaded. I ignored her – listening and Ivan finding out was a thought I did not want to have.

'You know I'm right – It may protect you'.

"Shut up" I only realised I had screamed as Ivan entered the kitchen.

"Bella what was that?" he said with a gleam in his eyes stepping forward slowly...

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**I'm afraid that's all I am giving you for tonight my wonderful readers. Hope you enjoyed. I think we are all realising some part of Bella does not trust Ivan. This part is beginning to break through from all the depression and dependency she has. Next chapter is pretty traumatic so as I said tell me if you want me to send a PG type chapter instead, although part of the reason this is split into two means you can skip the next chapter and not lose any of the plot – we'll I hope you don't. At least I'll try to make it that way. As always if you read and like please review, if you hate it still review. Criticism helps me know what to do to make future chapters better for you all.**


	12. AN please help

Ladies and Gents,

I apologise for not updating in forever, however life kind of took a turn for the worst and I wasn't coping very well. At the moment I am stressing over my dissertation. But...

(This is where you'll think I'm a cheeky cheeky girl.)

I am pleading for participants for my questionnaire, it's on celebrity worship and if you help me out I will have more time on my hands, which in turn means more fanfic writing time. :-)

Please Please Please consider it and if you are willing drop me a review and I'll send you a copy to fill in and just email back. It's for people between 14-21 and 25-32 but if you're under 16 you need parents or guardian's permission I'm afraid.


	13. 11 Torture form the devil: Part 2

Chapter 11 Part 2: Torture from the devil.

You know that point in life where you wonder how the hell did I get here? Yeah, that's the point I'm at right now. Stood in the kitchen cowering away from a man who I thought would love me and protect me until the end of time, but that just wouldn't happen to me, that's fairy tale and I'm seriously living in some fucked up version of hell. Ivan is backed by his 'friends' looking at me like I won't be alive for more than 5 minutes.

"Bella, pet what did you just say?" Ivan prodded. "Or scream" One of the group sneered. They were all approaching me at a faster pace, but one look from Ivan stopped them in their tracks.

'See Bella, Ivan's not going to let them hurt you' my mind explained as though it were fact.

"Bella?" More laughing was taking place. Only had I realised I'd never answered Ivan.

"Sorry, I never said anything to you. I… I... just was talking out loud? I'm sorry for disturbing you, please go back and have fun. More beers?" I tried to Console him with the temptation of alcohol.

"Na love I think he's got something more fun in mind, right Iv?" The leader appeared beside Ivan, clearly telling him something with his eyes. Ivan nearly snarled at the giant, but the man did not back down or look afraid as the others in the room did – including me.

"I guess so F.. ."

"Shut up, Idiot" The man interrupted with a glare and a snarl back.

"Ivan, I was just thinking I could go out for some more beers and a movie or something for you guys?" I needed to get out of here, the men were starting to get aggressive and I did not need to be here when things got out of hand.

"Oh babe, I don't think we want to let you leave yet, I do believe that YOU ARE our entertainment. Boys!" He snapped behind him at the end.

Only one thought came through my mind at this point: it was FUCK!

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A/N

I decided that I didn't want to go further into the chapter. I now am going down a different path in writing this story. The Next chapter will be up within the next week for definite. But I'm at work typing this so I don't have any of my notes to continue on… Sorry and Hope you enjoyed.


	14. 12 Living with the Devil: Part 3

**Here you go guys. The painful part of this story has arrived. Well I'm not gonna make you read some crap because I know no-one reads this lol... On with the story...**

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**Bella's POV - Following from last chapter**.

I... I... I'm so..sorry. I didn't mean you. I just. My head hurts and there was noise. I didn't mean to say it, I'm sorry please forgive me. Ivan? Ivan" I asked for his attention but it wasn't on me. Ivan was looking at his friends, they nodded in reply to the unasked question. The leader looked at me again, I shuddered closer to the counter in fear. My mind was screaming at me to run, now I understood why as all these 'men' crept closer to me. It took me roughly two minutes to realise I was being rounded up. I had no escape.

"Mmm Ivan I love me a virgin. You've done well. More money in this for you now, plus she's the best looking one too". The big one muttered. I started to plead with a God I long ago abandoned. I would beg and plead for my life and innocence if I had to.

"Think she's a screamer? I like those who have a big of fight in them." The little blonde one interrupted.

Ivan nodded towards the blonde without looking at him. "Yeah 'A' she certainly screams when she gets punished." He concluded.

"Not saying much now though is she? She a mute? Pretty but not much up top huh Ivan?" They all laughed at the comment made by the leader.

"She'll make me the big bucks eventually though boys just you wait. However you know what the boss wants and that can't happen whilst she's still pure, so have at it." He motioned for the group to come towards me. "Oh and boys?" They turned round to face him once more. "One rule is I'm first and last but apart from that enjoy. Feel free to anything your heart desires but I'd ensure she can't escape." They all cheered.

"Well boys you heard him. Grab her and tie her up. Its time for some fun." The leader was calling the shots again, but this time my body responded to the threat and I tried to escape.

I ran towards the kitchen door but as I reached the ledge I was roughly grabbed and thrown to the wall on the other side of the room. Within seconds the pain flared up my back and along my legs. "Ahh" I screamed, I wanted to beg and plead to be left alone but I knew it wouldn't make an ounce of difference. One of the worst things that could happen to a person was about to happen to me and I couldn't fight it.

One of them dragged me to the living room by my hair, there was no way out for me now. It's impossible to know what they had planned but I knew it wasn't going to be good.

"Pure meat, pure meat, yum yum yum. Bitch you're not going to enjoy this but I can tell we are." One called as I was being tied down to what looked like chains under the floorboards, how could I not know they were there.

My mind was reeling, this isn't happening it can't be happening to me, not in my own home under the care of the man who said he loves me.

"Please don't do this, please, I'll do anything, just not this. Ivan!" I was begging and pleading to all the men to find their week point, Ivan seemed to be the one who was most concerned but when I looked into his eyes I couldn't see an ounce of regret or pain for what was happening to me. In fact he seemed like he was enjoying the 'show'.

The room started to blur with my tears and my breath quicken, this isn't real, the discussion was still happening around me but I was too out of it to hear anything. I didn't want to know what was about to happen, it might make it more real. Once I was chained down they removed all my clothes, stripped bare in front of all the men, I shuddered and fought now knowing my own world wasn't as safe as I thought. When I blacked out for those few moments I found myself naked and being 'fondled' by the men, who now seemed more like devils and animals than human.

Things started happening in slow motion now that I was awake, the sight of eleven men all stripping down to their bare skin left me cold and unfeeling. I was frozen now unable to respond or hear anything around me. I was surrounded and overpowered by evil. There was no escaping these chains and even if it was possible how was I meant to escape them. I shuddered unwilling to think about how long I was going to live through this type of hell.

Ivan was the first to approach me, he sensed I was like a wild animal frozen in fear, he fed off the fear and smiled when he saw my reaction to him. "Hey pet, I had this promise I made to a certain someone, now there are these conditions I placed and me having my turn first was one of them, so how about it sweet cheeks, up to giving me some loving now?" he spat happily into my face then turned around to the others, "like she has any choice right boys?" he laughed.

That night I was raped and beaten until I was no longer conscious for 3 days. The memories still haunt me and torture me. The thing is it doesn't and didn't end there. For the next 6 months of my life I was subjected to being beaten and raped at least once a week by all the men in the room that day. How can I move on with my life when I'm still so completely and totally under their control and punishment?

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**Well there it is folks the part I had been dreading. There will be more flashbacks, especially in the next chapter about what actually took place. It's brutal and disgusting, but I believe it is important to put the message across that people do suffer this and the beauty and strength they have with facing the aftermath of a horrific crime like rape .**


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